Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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