dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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