Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
