i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
