WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
