Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
