just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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