she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
