i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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