The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
