while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
