I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
