Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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