MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
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He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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