I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
