the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
