Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
