when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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