Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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