I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
