Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
