my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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