sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
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you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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