walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
