How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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