so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
