i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
