my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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