If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
