you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
