seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
