Me. At least after what I've been through.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
