U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
