this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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