Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
