the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
