Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
