so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
