I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.