Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets