Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.