i already hear my dad disowning me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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