u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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