She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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