I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
