apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm bleeding and have questions
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
