You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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