I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
