the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
