Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
