Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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