Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
