my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
