What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
